Interpersonal Relationship Types
Interpersonal Relationship Types
Permalink:
This chapter focuses on specific relationship types: (1) friendship, (2) love, (3) family, and (4) workplace relationships. We establish what these are and explore how interpersonal communication within each of these relationships can be made more effective. We’ll also examine the dark side of some relationships in the final section. All of these relationships can be face-to-face or online or, as is most often the case, some combination. Online relationships have been increasing since the first online dating service was established in 1995. According to one survey, 38 percent of those who identified themselves as “single and looking” used an online dating service (Smith & Duggan, 2013). Social networking sites such as Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest; professional sites such as LinkedIn; and the dating sites such as Match.com, eHarmony, and OKCupid (and the numerous apps for your phone such as Zoosk, PlentyofFish, and HowAboutWe) make it increasingly easy and interesting to meet new friends and potential romantic partners, to keep in touch with family (websites that provide family hubs are increasing in popularity), and to conduct much of the business of work. As you’ve no doubt noticed, each type of relationship has both advantages and disadvantages. Here we need to identify just a few of these. One of the advantages to establishing relationships online (though some may say it’s a disadvantage) is that personality outweighs physical appearance. Online communication reveals people’s inner qualities first. Rapport and mutual self-disclosure become more important than physical attractiveness in promoting intimacy (Cooper & Sportolari, 1997). And contrary to some popular opinion, online relationships rely just as heavily on the ideals of trust, honesty, and commitment as do face-to-face relationships (Whitty & Gavin, 2001). Friendship and romantic interaction on the Internet are a natural boon to shut-ins and extremely shy people, for whom traditional ways of meeting others are often difficult. Computer talk is empowering for those with “physical disabilities or disfigurements,” for whom face-to-face interactions are often superficial and often end with withdrawal (Bull & Rumsey, 1988; Lea & Spears, 1995). By eliminating the physical cues, computer talk equalizes the interaction and doesn’t put the disfigured person, for example, at an immediate disadvantage in a society where physical attractiveness is so highly valued. Online you’re free to reveal as much or as little about your physical self as you wish, when you wish. Another obvious advantage of online relationships is that the number of people you can reach is so vast that it’s relatively easy to find someone who matches what you’re looking for. The situation is like finding a book that covers just what you need from a library of millions of volumes rather than from a collection of only several hundred or even thousands. In a study of over 19,000 couples who were married between 2005 and 2012, those marriages that started online had higher marital satisfaction and were somewhat less likely to end in divorce than those that started in offline meetings (Cacioppo, 2013). Another difference that is often discussed is that of deception. It is a lot easier to lie online than in face-to-face situations. However, most people seem to be relatively truthful in their profiles, for example (Dean, 2010b). As noted elsewhere, women take off a few pounds and men add a bit to their height, but for the most part, the profiles prove accurate (Gibbs, Ellison, & Heino, 2006; Toma, Hancock, & Ellison, 2008). But you really can’t tell how much a photo has been enhanced or how long ago the photo was taken. And depending on the technology you’re using, you may not be able to hear the person’s voice; this too hinders you as you seek to develop a total picture of the other person. Online, people can present a false self with little chance of detection; minors may present themselves as adults, and adults may present themselves as children in order to conduct illicit sexual communications and perhaps meetings. Similarly, people can present themselves as poor when they’re rich or as serious and committed when they’re just enjoying the fun and games of this online experience. Although people can also misrepresent themselves in face-to-face relationships, the fact that it’s easier to do online probably accounts for the greater frequency of misrepresentation in computer relationships (Cornwell & Lundgren, 2001).
DeVito, Joseph A.. Interpersonal Communication Book, The (Page 252). Pearson Education. Kindle Edition.
Friendship Relationships
10.1 Define friendship and explain how it develops. Friendship has engaged the attention and imagination of poets, novelists, and artists of all kinds. On television, friendships have become almost as important as romantic pairings. And friendship also interests a range of interpersonal communication researchers (Samter, 2004). Throughout your life, you’ll encounter many people, but out of this wide array you’ll develop few face-to-face relationships you would call friendships. Despite the low number of friendships you may form, however, their importance is great. On social network sites, the number of friends can easily be in the hundreds, even thousands. Of course, different definitions of friend are used in each case. The number of friends you have on your favorite social network site depends on several factors (Awl, 2011): your willingness to make new friends and interact with them, the enjoyment you get from communicating with a wide variety of people, and your time constraints. After all, when you have hundreds of friends, it takes time to read their posts and respond as you might like.
Definition and Characteristics
The type of friendship that we’re talking about is the relatively close relationship we have with someone (online or face-to-face) rather than a “friend” who you don’t really know but friended because he or she is a friend of a friend of a friend. In this context, friendship is an interpersonal relationship between two interdependent persons that is mutually productive and characterized by mutual positive regard. • Friendship is an interpersonal relationship. Communication interactions must have taken place between the people. Further, the relationship involves a “personalistic focus” (Wright, 1978, 1984); friends react to each other as complete persons—as unique, genuine, and irreplaceable individuals. • Friendships must be mutually productive. Friendships cannot be destructive to either person. Once destructiveness enters into a relationship, it really can’t be called a friendship. Lover relationships, marriage relationships, parent– child relationships, and just about any other possible relationship can be either destructive or productive, but friendship must enhance the potential of each person and can only be productive. Friendships that are destructive are best viewed as pseudo-friendships. • Friendships are characterized by mutual positive regard. Liking people is essential if we are to call them friends. Three major characteristics of friendship—trust, emotional support, and sharing of interests (Blieszner & Adams, 1992)—facilitate mutual positive regard. In North America, face-to-face friendships are clearly a matter of choice; you choose—within limits—who your friends will be. And most researchers define friendship as a voluntary relationship of choice (Samter, 2004). But throughout human history, in many parts of the world—for example, in small villages miles away from urban centers, where people are born, live, and die without venturing much beyond their community—relationships traditionally have not been voluntary. In these settings, you simply form relationships with those in your village. You don’t have the luxury of selecting certain people to interact with and others to ignore. You must interact with and form friendships and romantic relationships with members of the community simply because these are the only people you come into contact with on a regular basis (Moghaddam, Taylor, & Wright, 1993). This situation is changing rapidly, however, as Internet use becomes universal. With access to people from all over the world via the Internet, more and more relationships will become voluntary.
DeVito, Joseph A.. Interpersonal Communication Book, The (Page 253). Pearson Education. Kindle Edition.
Friendship Types
One insightful approach to friendship classifies friends into three major types: friendships of reciprocity, receptivity, and association (Reisman, 1979, 1981). Although developed before the advent of social networking, you’ll notice that each type exists in both face-to-face and online friendships. • The friendship of reciprocity is the ideal type, characterized by loyalty, selfsacrifice, mutual affection, and generosity. A friendship of reciprocity is based on equality: each individual shares equally in giving and receiving the benefits and rewards of the relationship. “Friends with benefits”—friends who are not romantically committed to each other but who enjoy a sexual relationship—would be an example of friendship of reciprocity—each person derives equal benefits. • In the friendship of receptivity, there is an imbalance in giving and receiving; one person is the primary giver and one is the primary receiver. This is a positive imbalance, however, because each person gains something from the relationship. The different needs of both the person who receives and the person who gives affection are satisfied. This is the friendship that may develop between a teacher and a student, a doctor and a patient, or mentor and protégé. In fact, a difference in status is essential for the friendship of receptivity to develop. • The friendship of association is a transitory one. It might be described as a friendly relationship rather than a true friendship. Associative friendships are the kind we often have with classmates, neighbors, or coworkers. This is also the type of friendship you have with many people on your social media sites who you friended but without really knowing them or planning on getting to know them. There is no great loyalty, no great trust, no great giving or receiving, no mutual obligations. The association is cordial but not intense.
Friendship Needs
Friendships serve a variety of important needs. On the basis of your experiences or your predictions, you select as friends those who help to satisfy a variety of basic needs. Selecting friends on the basis of need satisfaction is similar to choosing a marriage partner, an employee, or any person who may be in a position to satisfy your needs. For example, depending on your needs, you may look for friends such as these, whether face-to-face or online (Reiner & Blanton, 1997; Wright 1978, 1984): • Utility: Someone who may have special talents, skills, or resources that prove useful to you, for example, a person who is especially bright who might assist you in getting a better job or in introducing you to a possible romantic partner. Many of the “friendships” formed on professional social media sites like LinkedIn would be of this type. • Affirmation: Someone who affirms your personal value and helps you to recognize your attributes, for example, someone who communicates appreciation for your leadership abilities, athletic prowess, or sense of humor. The friend on Facebook who always comments on your photos and posts would also be serving this affirming function. • Ego support: Someone who behaves in a supportive, encouraging, and helpful manner, for example, a person who helps you view yourself as worthy and competent. • Stimulation: Someone who introduces you to new ideas and new ways of seeing the world, for example, a person who might bring you into contact with previously unfamiliar people, issues, and experiences. Online friendships with those from other parts of the world or of different religions or cultural traditions regularly serve this function, sometimes without being aware of it. • Security: Someone who does nothing to hurt you or to call attention to your weaknesses, for example, a person who is supportive and nonjudgmental.
DeVito, Joseph A.. Interpersonal Communication Book, The (Page 254). Pearson Education. Kindle Edition.
Friendship and Communication
Close and lasting friendships develop over time in stages. At one end of the friendship continuum are strangers, or two persons who have just met or just friended each other, and at the other end are intimate friends. What happens between these two extremes? As you progress from the initial contact stage to intimate friendship, the depth and breadth of communications increase; you talk about issues that are closer to your inner core. Similarly, the number of communication topics increases as your friendship becomes closer. As depth and breadth increase, so does the satisfaction you derive from the friendship. This increase in depth and breadth can and does occur in all forms of communication—face-to-face as well as online. It’s interesting to note that establishing and maintaining friendships are the major reasons for Internet communication (instant messaging and texting, social network sites, and e-mail) among college students and among teens (Knox, Daniels, Sturdivant, & Zusman, 2001; Lenhart, Madden, Macgill, & Smith, 2007). And, of course, these forms of communication promote closeness and intimacy and often encourage online partners to meet face-to-face (Hu, Wood, Smith, & Westbrook, 2004). We can identify three main stages of friendship development and integrate some of the characteristics of effective interpersonal communication (Johnson, Wittenberg, Villagran, Mazur, & Villagran, 2003). The assumption here is that, as the friendship progresses from initial contact and acquaintanceship through casual friendship, to close and intimate friendship, effective interpersonal communication increases. However, there is no assumption made that close relationships are necessarily the preferred type or that they’re better than casual or temporary relationships. We need all types. ContACt At the contact stage, the characteristics of effective interpersonal communication are usually present to only a small degree. You’re guarded rather than open or expressive. Because you don’t yet know the other person, your ability to empathize with the other is limited. At this stage, there is little genuine immediacy; you see yourselves as separate and distinct rather than as a unit. Because the relationship is so new and because the people don’t know each other very well, the interaction is often characterized by awkwardness—for example, by overlong pauses, uncertainty about topics to be discussed, and ineffective exchanges of sender and receiver roles. InvolvEmEnt In this second stage, there is a dyadic consciousness, a clear sense of “we-ness,” of togetherness; communication demonstrates a sense of immediacy. At this stage, you participate in activities as a unit rather than as separate individuals. In the involvement period, the other person can be called “friend”—someone you would go with to the movies, sit with in the cafeteria or in class, ride home with from school, or follow (really follow) on social media. At this friendship stage, you begin to see the qualities of effective interpersonal interaction more clearly. You start to express yourself openly and become interested in the other person’s disclosures. Because you’re beginning to understand this person, you empathize and demonstrate significant otherorientation. You also demonstrate supportiveness and develop a genuinely positive attitude, both toward the other person and toward mutual communication situations. There is an ease at this stage, a coordination in the interaction between the two persons. You communicate with confidence, maintain appropriate eye contact and flexibility in body posture and gesturing, and use few of the adaptors that signal discomfort. As friendships develop, whether face-to-face or online, network convergence occurs; that is, as a relationship between two people develops, they begin to share their network of other communicators with each other (Parks, 1995; Parks & Floyd, 1996). And this, at least in online friendships, accounts in great part for the enormous number of friends some people have. CloSE AnD IntImAtE FrIEnDShIp At this stage, you and your friend see yourselves more as an exclusive unit, and each of you derives great benefits (for example, emotional support) from the friendship (Hays, 1989). Because you know each other well (for example, you know each other’s values, opinions, and attitudes), your uncertainty about each other has been significantly reduced—you’re able to predict each other’s behaviors with considerable accuracy. This knowledge makes significant interaction management possible, as well as greater positivity, supportiveness, and openness (Oswald, Clark, & Kelly, 2004). You become more other-oriented and more willing to make significant sacrifices for the other person. You empathize and exchange perspectives a great deal more, and you expect in return that your friend will also empathize with you. With a genuinely positive feeling for this individual, your supportiveness and positive stroking become spontaneous. Because you see yourselves as an exclusive unit, equality and immediacy are in clear evidence. You’re willing to respond openly, confidently, and expressively to this person and to own your feelings and thoughts. Your supportiveness and positivity are genuine expressions of the closeness you feel for this person. Each person in an intimate friendship is truly equal; each can initiate and each can respond; each can be active and each can be passive; each speaks and each listens.
Friendship, Culture, and Gender
Your friendships and the way you look at friendships are influenced by your culture and your gender. Let’s look first at culture. CUltUrE AnD FrIEnDShIpS In the United States, you can be friends with someone yet never really be expected to go out of your way for this person. Many Middle Easterners, Asians, and Latin Americans consider going significantly out of their way an absolutely essential ingredient in friendship; if you’re not willing to sacrifice for your friend, then this person is not really your friend (Dresser, 2005). Generally friendships are closer in collectivist cultures than in individualist cultures. In their emphasis on the group and on cooperating, collectivist cultures foster the development of close friendship bonds. Members of a collectivist culture are expected to help others in the group. When you help or do things for someone else, you increase your own attractiveness to this person, and this is certainly a good start for a friendship. Of course, the culture continues to reward these close associations. Members of individualist cultures, on the other hand, are expected to look out for number one—themselves. Consequently, they’re more likely to compete and to try to do better than each other—conditions that don’t support, generally at least, the development of friendships. Most people, of course, have both collectivist and individualist values, but they have them in different degrees, and that is what we are talking about here—differences in degree of the collectivist versus the individualist orientation. GEnDEr AnD FrIEnDShIpS Gender also influences your friendships—who becomes your friend and the way you look at friendships. Perhaps the best-documented finding—already noted in our discussion of self-disclosure—is that women selfdisclose more than men (e.g., Dolgin, Meyer, & Schwartz, 1991). This difference holds throughout male and female friendships. Male friends self-disclose less often and with less intimate details than female friends do. Men generally don’t view intimacy as a necessary quality of their friendships (Hart, 1990). Women engage in significantly more affectional behaviors with their friends than do males; this difference may account for the greater difficulty men experience in beginning and maintaining close friendships (Hays, 1989). Women engage in more casual communication; they also share greater intimacy and more confidences with their friends than do men. Communication, in all its forms and functions, seems a much more important dimension of women’s friendships. When women and men were asked to evaluate their friendships, women rated their same-sex friendships higher in general quality, intimacy, enjoyment, and nurturance than did men (Sapadin, 1988). Men, in contrast, rated their opposite-sex friendships higher in quality, enjoyment, and nurturance than did women. Both men and women rated their opposite-sex friendships similarly in intimacy. These differences may be due, in part, to our society’s suspicion of male friendships; as a result, a man may be reluctant to admit to having close relationship bonds with another man. Men’s friendships are often built around shared activities—attending a ballgame, playing cards, working on a project at the office. Women’s friendships, on the other hand, are built more around a sharing of feelings, support, and “personalism.” An important element is similarity in status, in willingness to protect a friend in uncomfortable situations, and in academic major. As we move further into the twenty-first century, the ways in which men and women develop and maintain their friendships will undoubtedly change considerably—as will all gender-related variables. In the meantime, given the present state of research on gender differences, be careful not to exaggerate and to treat small differences as if they were highly significant. Avoid stereotypes and avoid stressing opposites to the neglect of the huge number of similarities between men and women (Wright, 1988; Deaux & LaFrance, 1998).
DeVito, Joseph A.. Interpersonal Communication Book, The (Page 257). Pearson Education. Kindle Edition.
